Ah. I should have looked more closely at my packet of birth control pills. That would explain the food cravings. PMS. I’m due to get my period on Monday.
You’d think that, after all these years, I’d recognize the signs and symptoms of PMS (premenstrual syndrome) by now. But, the truth is that they’re so many and varied that I never know which to expect.
To this day, I’m not sure if I’m really a sap when it comes to corny movies or if it’s PMS-induced or a combination of both.
There was a time when my PMS was pretty violent.
Think of your worst fear or biggest insecurity, something you’ve been trying to lock down in the furthest reaches of your mind. My PMS would reach all the way down there and fling whatever was lurking there to the forefront of my mind, where it couldn’t be ignored.
Which is why I counsel my male friends not to pooh-pooh what a woman brings up when she’s PMS-ing. Those are her real concerns, the ones that she is too afraid to bring up with you, although now may not be the best time to hear about these issues when she’s clearly hysterical and incapable of rational discourse.
The mood swings were always intense.
One time, Nicolas and I were having a particularly nasty row. It was getting loud and out of hand. Finally, I blurted out, “DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW WHEN I AM NOT MAKING ANY SENSE?!”
He stopped, flabbergasted.
I continued to yell. “BUT I CANNOT CALM DOWN IF YOU KEEP FIGHTING WITH ME. I SWEAR IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE RIGHT NOW, I WILL CALM DOWN, AND I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL APOLOGIZE. BUT, RIGHT NOW, I CANNOT DO IT IF YOU KEEP FIGHTING WITH ME.”
Bear in mind that, before this, Nicolas was in the middle of screaming at me too, so he was huffing and puffing. And completely baffled. But, somehow, he heard me. After a moment’s pause, he turned and, wisely, without a word, left.
As soon as he did, all the defenses that I had – the rage and the madness – dissipated and Nicolas had hardly gone anywhere when I came up and hugged him from behind and apologized. He took my hand and that was the end of that.
In my 20s, that paranoia and anger were out of control. It took me a long time to realize that because I was living under a dark cloud and didn’t understand what was going on.
Ultimately, I think my PMS played a big part in the collapse of my relationship then.
I remember the first time I made the connection between my vicious outbursts and my PMS. My mouth fell to the floor. I couldn’t believe how insidious it was. My own hormones were making me crazy!
I started keeping track of my periods. And then, I’d try to catch myself. If I was getting too worked up over something, I’d do a quick check of the calendar and, most of them time, sure enough, it was PMS.
There was one time when I was fully aware of my internal machinations. It was quite amusing and I was laughing and narrating to my friends my Jekyll-and-Hyde struggle. "Ohmygod, " I’d say, with a big smile plastered on my face, “I want to scream at this man in front of me. Let me move away…”
Other times, I’d fail to recognize what was going on and count the bodies in the morning.
I’ve calmed down a lot since then. I may still get a tad impatient and may let out a rabid snarl every now and then, but I don’t fly off the handle so easily anymore. Now it’s mostly been about food and having specific food cravings. As you very well know.
Just like its symptoms, when PMS occurs varies from woman to woman. I think I get mine about five to six days before my period. For other women, it could be as much as two weeks. Let’s just say it’s two weeks. That’s half a month. That’s six months out of a year. In the time that Nicolas and I have been together, that would be seven years. That’s a whole lot of crazy.
I’m so glad I’m not a man and have to deal with women…