It was in high school. Squatting on the steps of the fire escape. Peering cautiously over the railings to make sure the nuns weren’t lurking around.

Everyone remembers their first cigarette.

And, although I remember smoking endless fags hanging out on the bench in front of the cafeteria in college, and was thus often mistaken for a visitor rather than a student (- even my friends were baffled to find out we shared classes together as I would only ever turn up whenever I thought I was in danger of failing or had run out of free cuts), I only ever considered myself a social smoker.

Even during the five years that I worked at resorts in Palawan and could only ever be found with a cigarette (and drink) in hand, I don’t recall ever actually buying a pack of my own, or even owning a lighter.

During the entire first year that I dated my ex, he only knew my voice to be a ragged whisper, destroyed from partying every night in Manila, that I wondered if he was disappointed later on when, eventually, the husky bedroom voice cleared up.

Still, I was only a social smoker.

When I met my boyfriend, Nicolas, in Siargao in 1999, I remember being turned off when I found out he smoked.

And then I got a job with a media company and left for my first assignment in Nigeria in October 2001. I packed along two cartons of Marlboro Lights, thinking that they would last me until December. With the help of my chain-smoking colleagues, the cartons were gone within the first two weeks.

By the time I returned to Manila for the Christmas holidays, I was lighting up even in front of my family. (In Philippine polite society, this is considered a no-no. I have cousins who are married with children, some are even separated, and yet they continue to hide their smoking from their parents.)

It was a downhill slide from there. Half a pack turned into a pack turned into two. And the Marlboro Lights turned into Marlboro Reds at some point. I’d smoke at least five cigarettes before breakfast. Sometimes, I’d wake up in the middle of the night and step out into the balcony just to light up. Then I started breaking my own rules and began smoking indoors. And no matter how sick I got or how sore my throat would get, I’d continue to smoke. I had packs of cigarettes and lighters squirreled away everywhere. It got so bad that even Nicolas disapproved of my smoking.

There were several attempts to quit.

Susan was actually quite proud that I managed to get through our India trip in 2006 without smoking. Until the very last day, when I turned up at the Mumbai domestic airport alone. It was a good thing that the guy I sat next to on the plane found me in the taxi queue and offered to share his cab with me, as the ride to the international airport turned out to be such a harrowing experience that, when we finally got there, with hands shaking, the first thing we did was light up.

By then, I was convinced that I was an addict. It was either I didn’t smoke at all or I chain-smoked. There was no middle ground.

I tried quitting again some time in December 2009 and did very well, until I got to the Burning Man Festival in Nevada in August 2010.

At Black Rock City, Nevada for Burning Man, Metropolis 2010.

Then I tried quitting again in December 2010 but it wasn’t long before I started social smoking again. More so during this second/third quarter of the year than the first. Which can mean as little as one cigarette a week or a pack a night. Depending on how social I am being.

At Albert Avellana’s birthday party. 12 June 2009.

But I guess it’s better than before. I don’t smoke when I’m at home and can go for days or even weeks without. Although I’ll be constantly thinking about it…

If it didn’t turn my skin grey and if I was certain it wouldn’t give me any wrinkles, then I wouldn’t mind carrying on as a social smoker. Alas, I am vain. Hence this constant internal struggle that I should be quitting. Plus I keep thinking that maybe I might fare better at kettlebells or CrossFit if I wasn’t choking all the time. Who knows?

But, right now, I am not ready to quit just yet. Will take it one day at a time.

So far, I’m still a social smoker.